A Scientist at the Movies Reviews by Greg Paris

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Title: Beyond Loch Ness

Date of original TV release: 2008

Details:

Brian Krause

Niall Matter

Paul McGillion

Carrie Genzel

Director: Paul Ziller

(never heard of any of them, have you?!)

Score: --

The Review: Almost from the opening moments, there's no doubt about either the form or intent of the large inhabitant of Loch Ness -- a sort-of plesiosaur, and hungry: very hungry. No mystery, no science, almost no acting, goofy special effects -- this excuse for wasting two hours of your life is now, finally, over. Luckily, you didn't have to travel to a theatre or pay admission, since it was a Saturday fright night contribution from the Sci-Fi TV cable channel. This review is provided in case this crap ever reaches DVD. But it gives me pause, and I will henceforth approach, with somewhat more caution, any movie-like object with the phrase Loch Ness in its title.

First, only the initial title sequence is alleged to be in Loch Ness -- a flashback to 1976 when a young boy becomes the sole survivor of an lochside encounter. Flash-forward to today, and that boy is now a full-fledged (whatever that means, in a "field" like this), but certainly full-grown, cryptozoologist, hunting for monsters in Lake Superior. Huh?! As must be obvious to the most casual observer (?), Nessie escaped her home loch, swam the Atlantic, navigated down the St. Lawrence River and the locks of the International Seaway and took up residence in Lake Superior to make a nest and raise a clutch of Nesslets. Can you say, gross suspension of disbelief? How about, just gross?

Second, almost anything vaguely scientific is bogus. We find out that the mineral magnetite is explosive, and that there are caves -- lots of caves and tunnels -- lining both the steep walls of Loch Ness and the floor of this particular embayment of Lake Superior. And we discover the latest in crytozoology's arsenal of anti-big-creature weapons: cyanide-tipped bullets, microwave EMP guns (that's right, electromagnetic pulses; read on), and high-frequency sonic disruptors. But, you declare, I thought that cryptozoology was quest for and a study of undocumented, marginal and possibly imaginary critters..., not a hunt to their destruction? Silly boy, hungry monsters should be killed!

But third, in passing, we do find out that evolution is still happening, so I guess there is some science after all. This version of the plesiosaur no longer has flipper-fins adapted to an aquatic life, but an articulated and clawed set of appendages that permit not-all-that-clumsy negotiation on dry land (and this is important to the plot, such as there is). And simply from observation by a bogus biologist, it is asserted that these creatures (for there's more than one) have electrical senses "like sharks" that detect electromagnetic alterations in their environment and muscle movements in their prey. These sense organs look like ear-flaps, and are accompanied by some web-like cranial structures that look like leftovers from the Creature of the Black Lagoon back lot.

If you ever see this being advertised, run the other direction.

(6-Jan-08)

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